Retro TV with static

Photo by Felix Mooneeram on Unsplash

Look. I need yall to understand something. I have been waiting for Stranger Things Season 5 since July 2022 when Season 4 dropped. Thats over three years. Three years of wondering what happened to Will, whether Eleven was gonna be okay, whether Max would wake up. And Netflix decided the best way to reward that patience was to… split the final season into three parts across six weeks?

I’m gonna need someone to explain this to me like Im five because it makes no sense.

So heres how it works. Volume 1 dropped on November 26th – the day before Thanksgiving. Four episodes. Then we gotta wait until Christmas Day for episodes 5 through 7. And THEN the finale drops on New Years Eve. December 31st. At 8pm Eastern which means if youre on the West Coast you can watch it at 5pm and spend New Years processing whatever emotional damage the Duffer Brothers are about to inflict on us.

The finale is also getting a theatrical release in over 350 theaters across the US and Canada. Which actually sounds cool in theory. Watching the end of a show I grew up with on the big screen with other fans. But also… its New Years Eve. People have plans. Or they want to have plans. Nobody is trying to be in a movie theater at 8pm on December 31st crying about fictional teenagers from the 80s.

Well. Actually maybe I am. Bless my heart.

But heres whats really getting to me. This staggered release nonsense aint about giving fans a better experience. Its about keeping subscriber numbers up through the holiday season. Netflix knows folks might cancel after binging the full season. So they stretch it out. Make you keep paying through November, December, and into January. Its smart business I guess but it feels gross when you think about it too hard.

Ross Duffer tried to defend it in interviews saying they knew about the three part split early so they wrote with that in mind. Like each volume is supposed to feel complete. And okay fine maybe that helps creatively. But it dont change the fact that fans have to dodge spoilers for six whole weeks in the age of Twitter and TikTok where people will post major character deaths with zero warning in their thumbnails.

Speaking of spoilers – Netflix did something wild. According to The Hollywood Reporter, they increased their bandwidth by 30% for the premiere and the site STILL crashed. Nearly 14,000 outage reports hit Downdetector within minutes of the release. That tells you something about how many people were trying to watch at once. Appointment television is back baby, we just didnt ask for it to come back like this.

Also can we talk about the cast aging thing real quick? Because nobody wants to say it out loud but these kids are grown now. Finn Wolfhard is 22. Millie Bobby Brown is 21 and literally married. Theyre playing what – 15 year olds? 16? I love suspension of disbelief as much as the next person but at some point you gotta acknowledge that time passed.

The Duffers addressed this too saying Season 5 takes place in fall 1987 which means technically the characters are older too. Fine. But its still jarring when you remember these same kids looked twelve years old in Season 1 and now theyre adults with mortgages probably.

Anyway I already watched Volume 1 and I have feelings but Im not gonna spoil nothing here. What I will say is that Linda Hamilton joining the cast as some mysterious villain character named Dr. Kay is the energy this show needed. Sarah Connor herself coming to Hawkins to cause problems. We love to see it.

Look the show is ending. After nine years its finally ending. And part of me just wants to enjoy it without being annoyed at Netflix’s corporate decisions. But the other part of me – the journalist part – cant help but notice how these release strategies are designed to maximize engagement metrics rather than fan satisfaction.

Every show doing staggered releases now. Severance did it. Arcane did it. Even shows that dont need to are splitting seasons just because Netflix and other streamers discovered it keeps people subscribed longer. And sure thats capitalism doing what capitalism does but at what point do we as consumers push back?

Probably never because we too busy refreshing Netflix at 8pm on Thanksgiving Eve waiting for Hawkins to destroy us emotionally one more time.

At least we getting an ending though. So many shows get cancelled without closure these days. The fact that the Duffer Brothers got to finish their story on their terms is something. Even if they making us wait through three holidays to see it.

According to Netflix’s Tudum, each volume premieres at 5pm Pacific / 8pm Eastern. You can check your local time zone there if youre outside the US. Merry Christmas I guess. See yall for Volume 2.